Nobody likes a hater. But then that means that everybody hates haters. Therefore, everyone is a hater. Why do you hate me so much?!?

Instead of staring contests, I challenge people to 'eyes closed' contests. It makes stealing wallets a whole lot easier. But at least I let them win the contest.

If I were the captain of a space shuttle and I were all alone at the front of the ship, I would start flipping all the switches up and say 'All systems go!' Air locks would start opening and people would start dying, but boy would that be fun.

I wish I had too much of a good thing. I'm stuck with having too much of bad things.

I'll bet if everyone in the world would open their freezer doors at the same time, we could end global warming. But then again, the snowmen would attack in greater force next winter.

If I owned a business that sold bricks, I would offer bricks at half-price to people who are drowning. Then my customers would think I was a really great guy for giving discounts to people who are drowning.